finally...

the FEDORA i wanted, for a measly $5.99.

its snowing outside here in youngstown, ohio.

someone please make it stop. i mean i guess its not that bad, it tastes alright, practice tomo morning, we're 0-10 -__-. just gotta BEAST through this last 2.5 hour practice before the game on monday. && then its sweet home CALIFORNIA.

home...

i'll be there pretty soon

leaving on a jet plane

staying for SEVEN days

not nearly as long as i

want to be there,

need to be there.

i'm so sad i have to leave

&& i haven't even gotten

there yet.

jadnsjnadj

im such a slacker

but im changing

stay with me.

Seriously.

if no ones ever told you this
you're simply, BEAUTIFUL.

I'm Here.

In college, sometimes i forget where i am, its like i get caught up in the moment, and i become intune with everything around me. && then reality hits HARD, im miles away from california, from my church family, from my closest friends, but its also th greatest feelin to know that God has never left...

I Miss the Sunshine...

i never thought i'd miss the sunshine
i never thought the time would fly
as fast as it did and now im drifting
my life is shifting
so unexpected but i knew it was coming
but know its time i used my strength within...

"After All We've Been Through."

Have you ever tried to break something off with someone and their response is After All We've Been Through? Sometimes,the things you've been through are A L L the more reason to let it go...

Welcome Back.

So i've decided to come back with a VENGEANCE, baby!
*who knew that my parents were my blogs biggest fans, womp, wom womp.
Considering the fact that i leave for college this wed, I'm sure I'll have P L E N T Y to document. Everyone around this house is so stressed. ell me why my phone broke, 4 F O U R quatro, days before i leave for school, talk about unfortunate, well pretty much, well i've been reading my BIBLE, tryna get closer to my word && God, Hes the only ONE, whose never gonna leave me.

anywho, im back.

Hmph,

There is so much i could complain about, so much thats gone wrong, but im gonna smile in spite of it, leaving for new york tomo, MAAXX excited.What an amazing day i had with my bestfraaan, vanessa, i'll get those pictures soon, hopefully.I'd just like to say that im super hatin on myspace, i would delete mine, but theres so much stuff on theere that makes me smile, so many messages and comments that can be used for BLACKMAIL. Ha! If theres one thing that i've ever learned, its to appreciate the things, relationship and ppl in you life while you still have them.

**"People never get the flowers while they can still smell 'em." _kanye said it

Ms. Hill

because this is where im at right now


free, free ya mind...

An Unfamiliar Face.

The unfamiliar face that is my own, is becoming less recognizable everyday. I used to be so sure of everything within and around me, but as time goes by i realize that i know less than what i thought. Truth to this: I have so muc to learn, i just hope im sent the right teacher. && if not the right teacher, i hope im given the discernment to distinguish between the right and wrong roads.

Overall, yesterday was a good day, hair did, gradauation festivities, love, love, love.

&& im begininning to truly see whos been in my corner all along, and who has who nvr cared.

My Heart Hurts...

"It's unlikely I'll remember where I was when I heard that he died, but like millions of people, I won't ever forget that he was one of those rare people who reminds us, with every note and every move, what it is to be alive. "

-Kevin Van Valkenburg

R.I.P. Mr. Jackson

Maybe?

"The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel. "

-Horace Walpole

But what about those of us who do both?

To Whom it May Concern,

Love,

Brandi Simone

12:00 AM

&& its officially NOT fathers day anymore. I bought that nigga a card, but i still havent given it to him, primarily because i don't know what to say. So much animosity between us, but I'll be on my own in a minute [OHIO on AUGUST 19] and part of me thinks that reconciliation is in order. Hmm, but we all know what the other part says: fuck it.

12:07on another note, everyone should listen to: coldplay, jet, secondhand serenade, oasis && mat kearney.

12:15Why are there so many fckn kids at my house? i sware my mom thinks shes Mother Teresea. Sike, my mom tears that ass up every chance she gets.

12:28 But really, this is what i have to say:

So i've been thinking about myself, trying to figure out why i do the shit i do. && its crazy because i dont rember half of the past four years of my life. everything is a blur, is it because i can't remember? or simply because i choose not to? pieces of me i might not ever get to know, i guess they don't matter anyway. pieces of me i know too well, i i wish i'd nvr met them.

and i realize its 1:00 AM, what can i say im easily distracted.

The Truth.

"Out of all the thing i've ever lost, i miss my M I N D the most."

where'd it go? it left when you did.

Dear Blog,

I haven't been completely honest with you, everyday i get on here, type some personal shit, adn never pulish it. But i promise, i'll change, first thing tomo.

transferring.

i sacrificed a lot for ppl who never cared
but even through the bullshit im still here
still a happy young balla' and you cant change that
still no need for for me brag about it you can check my STATS
there is love behind my music, truth beneath my words
might not be the best things ever spoken, but they're the best you've ever heard

smh?

wtf, so i just found out what that meant today. maybe im a loser idgaf anywho, my paranoia has GOT to stop. its gotten to thee point where i don't check my emails anymore, i don't check my phone messages, && i jump when my phone vibrates. maybe if i would just do what im supposed to do, shit wouldn't be like this, but i don't and they are so for i'll just be smh.

*shakingmyhead.

so this is what its like?

utter happiness,

and no words could possibly express

the JOY i feel.

Impossible,

It's impossible
It's impossible to love you
If you don't let me know what you're feeling
It's impossible for me to give you what you need
If you're always hidin' from me

I don't know what hurt you I just,
I wanna make it right Cos boy
I'm sick and tired of trying to read your mind

It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you
It's the way it is
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible
If you makin' it this way

Impossible to make it easy
If you always tryin' to make it so damn hard
How can I, how can I give you all my love,
baby If you're always, always puttin' up your guard

This is not a circus
Don't you play me for a clown
How long can emotions keep on goin' up and down

*ya, keep singing to me.

Lips.

who i really was 

this whole time

i thought i was hiding from you

but you were aware of everything 

that i could never conceal

and it was sealed with a kiss

from me to you

& your lips still hold

the truth 

you promised you'd never tell

honor it, keep it

your lips hold my secret.

Epiphany, much?

I don't kno why its taken so long, but i realize that i have No Choice, but to move on. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, and in every other aspect of who i am. The concept seems so simple, just get over it, right? But its not, its so complexxx, but i can do it.

Like That.

ya, just like that its O V E R.
having a really hard time seperating what i FEEL, from whats REAL.
and thee emo shit continues...

"i'm left in darkness, but i refuse to be swallowed by it
my lonliness like the night air
invisible to the eye
obvious to the touch
in its cold unconfortableness
yet if i could do it all over again
I'd do it in the same skin i'm in
to lay down and let love die
just stay down and let love lie
No no not I
I'll saty around and let love F L Y
even though i've seen its darkest for deceit
nothing else could feel this warm or taste so sweet"
-Big Rube

Regret.

It's eating away at me because i feel like i missed my opportunity for something i've wanted for an extremely long time. "Everything happens for a reason," yadda, yadda, they say it all the time, but im having a hard time believing it. && i sware every aspect of my life is being tested right now. I'm dreaming with a fuckingg broken heart and its killing me, literally. The relationships i thought were the strongest are the shakiest, the people i thought i could depend on are turning their backs, && the very thing keeping me breathing is suffocating me.



its the same lesson, over and over again. obviously, i have yet to retain the moral of the story.
&& this is whet happens when you put you're faith in people, rather than the one who created you.

bye.

Buttt, today.

So, i'm not one to angry over stupid shit. Butt, today? Hmm, most definitely not my day. I'm also not one to look forward to life changing expirences such as GRADUATION... buttt, today! I've gotta get outta here. It's not like im ready to move to ohio, or im ready to start my new life as a collegiate athlete, buttt today, I'm most definitely tired of high school. The drama, the shit talking, the "friends," the boys EFFF it all.

Buttt today, i've decided to LOVE even harder tomorrow. By no means, is this statement preceeded by an angry rant meant to be epic, but im serious. Hate begets hate && if there's one thing im sure of, im sick of hate. I've been throwing up for years actually.

&& today...

Singing Over the Bones

"If you kill one part of the woman, you kill the whole."

-Will Smith

Deep.

wow.

so much to say
but now is not
thee time

love,
brandi

sometimes.

when i look at you, i mean really look at you...i see myself. && its the scariest thing in the world because i hate you.

Sneaker Talk.

I believe my Nikes said "just do it," but i can't anymore. All of these emotions are killing me.
Womp, womp, womp...bye.

typical.

when you need the people you love the most, they're not there for you.

"Let's hang out..."

Mhhm. That's what he said. And when i ask him to define what "hanging out" is, he responds by telling me we can do "whatever i wanna do." Tsk,tsk,tsk. We all know that hanging out means you wanna have sex. Just be real, i'd respect you more. Hmmm, why do i allow meaningless conversations to last until 2 AM, guess its my fault. I should of snipped your face out the picture a long time ago. && another thing, stop telling me your different, i have more love for the people who are different rather than the people that say they are.

Ironically, you WOULD be different simply by not telling me you were.

**chewonthat.

i accept that.

Brandi: hey anthony
Anthony: hello
Brandi: do you think i'm a mean person?
Anthony: no why do you ask
Brandi: because my friends are saying i can;t keep a man because i'm mean
Anthony: no your funny you just need a man that will put you in your place

i accept that.

asjdbajjjfnbj.

i messed up
it was me
i was a bitch
i can't change
ANYTHING
that already happened
apologies mean
NOTHING

but i guess
i gotta move on.

bye.

justuhh lil' bitt.

Hands down I'm too proud for love
But with eyes shut it's you I'm thinking of
But how we move from A to B
It can't be up to me
Cause you don't know who I was before you
Basically to see a change in me
I'd be losing so I just ignore you

But you're on my mind
But maybe in time
I'll tell you im a little bit
in love with you.

Dear Serenity,

Nice to see you again. There is an obscure calmness that i feel, sitting in front of the computer, typing and texting. Nothing to it, right? I know we've met before in the past, but you came when i needed you the most: now. I close my eyes and see so much..happiness? That's most definitely not the right word, but its the only one i can think of at the moment. My breathing is even, my movements are relaxed. I feel good. I wish you could stay with me forever, but i know thats too much to ask. Promise me you'll visit in the near future.

Unitl we meet again,
Brandi Simone.

i deserve.

more than im gettin
but ill have what i want
inna minute or two
trust && believe

miscommunication.

hmmphh. im good at it. i don't answer phone calls, i only reply to important text messages, don't write me notes: i'll burn 'em. nothing personal, but talkin to people just takes too much energy sometimes. i'd rather tlk to myself, write to myself, listen to myself. the sound of my own voice is the ONLY thing that familiar to me. so lets examine exhibit A, a reason why i'd rather NOT tlk to ppl. basically, i got into a really heated discussion with someone very important to me. in the heat of the moment, this person said some exremely hurtful things. the type of words that i could see plasterd on this person's face everytime i see him. the kind of words that you could never take back. week later, i get a phone call, he proceeded to call it a MISCOMMUNICATION. seriously, dude?



my mom always says that she would never punish me when she's angry. its makes perfect sense, the eye of the storm is where thee most turbulent events take place. she'd rather take some time, cool off, and get at me when shes sane(which is rarely, of course.)

truth.

If music be the food of love, play on.

-William Shakespeare

come back2me...

gahh, i lost my lil' red composition book on a plane to Ohio. After six hours of flying, i couldn't even process my own name, let alone remember to get my HEART out of the pocket of the seat in front of me. Part me wants to believe, i lost it for a reason, and the other half believes that it'll come back to me in due time. All i'm sure of is that my red book, helped me express myself in ways that only i could understand. Maybe, your brain never forgets the words your heart speak, right? Hopefully.

amused.

by the trials life brings. i fully understand that they're only here to make me STRONGER. yea, its gonna hurt when im going through. but i know one day im gonna look back and laugh. blessed.blessed.blessed. to the MAXXX "nothing even matters"

going to ohio
gonna have fun
gonna use proper grammar
i promise.

&& the next post shall be the best post.

&& i find myself.

missing things that i never noticed
wanting things i never had

i'm not one to get worked up over guy issues, but this one has me beat. && i know i messed up, && i know its partly my fault, && i know i should be the one calling you, but my pride won't let me dial. womp,womp,womp. yes im sitting here with this blank expression.everyday its the same thing. but if nothing ever changes, i just need this too.

anyhow.

last night my heart was so heavy. in a matter of minutes the very things and realtionships you hold closest to you simply walk away. && then i woke up, read some Bible, and everything was cool.

"alright now,
think ill make it

anyhow.

thoughtless.

never.

speechless,

at thee moment.

Amen.

"For do I now persuade men, or God?
or do I seek to please men?
for if I yet pleased men,
I should not be the servant of Christ."

Truth is, i'm not here to please anyone but God.
Your approval, not needed.

feelings.

i love who you are
but i hate who you be
but maybe i'm the fool
for thinkin you kept it real with me

dear music,

many profess their love to you, but i think you should know
without you i'd be lost and myself i would never know
right up there after Jesus, for the most part you've always been there
'cause i remember a time when cd's skipped and your sound i couldn't here
don't know when we fell in love, my grannie says it was down "on bended knee"
she heard me singing in the back seat and from there it was history
how can they say they love, when they don't respect the art
i understand you're more than just words or song, you come straight from the heart
if i never heard you again i think i would be okay
you've manifested yourself within me, to hear you i don't need to press PLAY

ya, its that deep.

basketball.

it comes second nature to me, like breathing. something i don't have to think about, something i just do. but lately it seems like the very air i breath is suffocating me. i kno people can relate, like the one thing that makes you the happiest hurts you the most. like candy && cavities. haha. like relationships. hmm, i guess its LOVE. but unlike any love i've ever felt, im willing to endure the pain. ready? now thats another question, another blog in itself. but basketball, i think im ready for you. scratch that: i know.

&& the next post shall be the best post

Grow Up.

little boys they tell beautiful lies
the little girls can you hear them cry?
little boys they just laugh
little girls they're all sad

will you ever grow up?
will i ever grow up?
or is it just my luck
that we'll never grow up?

the little boys grow up to be teenagers
less meaner but a lot more sneakier
now the teenaged girls jsut wanna be loved
but the teenaged boys could care less about a hug
the girls keep crying yes the girls keep trying
so naive to believe the boys would ever stop lying

will you ever grow up?
will i ever grow up?
or is it just my luck
that we'll never grow up?

open your eyes.

some people are blind physically
but some simply choose not to see
look at the other side you'll agree

The Lovely Bones

"Inside the snow globe on my father's desk, there was a penguin wearing a red-and-white-striped scarf. The penguin was alone in there, I thought, and I worried for him. When I told my father this, he said, "Don't worry, Susie; he has a nice life. He's trapped in a perfect world."" -Alice Sebold

oo alice, you slay me

Reading.

So, i've read about 2 books in the last three days. bueno bueno bueno. see there's thing ideology in my life that whenever im going through something, i can pick up a book and basically read my life to myself. as if the author sat down with me personally&& asked me questions for the point of jotting my life down into a 300 paged novel. the first book flyy girl it was bomb, a little racy here and there but thats life, well my life ;]..and then there was Dreamland, lots of white people i normally wouldn't read about them but this story as just as bomb

but wait..

why did homegirl get beat up by her man in flyy girl?
why did caitlin fall in love with a guy who almost killed her in Dreamland?
why did chris brown beat rihanna?

this is not a laughing matter, if the books i indulge in have something to do with domestic violence, and theres a strong correlation between what i am and what i read, i might be in trouble, off to tae kwon doe class.

&& the next post will be the best post.

Someone Else.

ok, so this is gonna sound extremely emo but i don't care.

i finally realize
why we accept deceit and lies from those we despise
with only the intentions of our demise
no on wants to be alone
walking through an empty home
even the independent aren't isolation prone
they say they have it all when they're all by themselves
but the truth remains all they want is someone else
sometimes solitude is sanity often mistaken for vanty
but every heart needs another so be that someone else for me
for he
for she
for we

be that someone else for me

Below The Heavens-Blu

Every man has his own heaven the difference is the way that he envision it
So if you make your heaven picture less
By the time you dieYou'll be driftin' in an imageless field
So build your heaven full of blessed thoughtsThat's real,
you can stress it or just let it walkI got a question if a man can make his own heaven
Can he make his path to get to it too?I only spit through a truth
And I spit it for the listeners So I'm spittin' to you
You say it's hellI say it's bullshit we getting through
Just think about it every man has his own heaven
But shit you gotta' go through hell to be a man first
And understand firstHell is what you choose to call the present
That's why you're going through itI just choose to call it stressin'
To tell you fools the truthI don't feel that why I'm destined
So you can call it hell but bro
I'll just say I'm below the heavens

deeepp.

Tell It.

"You'd better tell Your story fast
And if you lie It will come to pass" -Stevie Wonder

speak the truth please
for your own good
not mine.

DeleteButton.

Sometimes i wish there was one on the keyboard of life. See there's the ENTER button, when new people come into you life, thats the button they press. && then there's the SHIFT button, thats the button you use when realize stupidity and move on to the next phase of the online game you're playing. There's the SPACE button, when you let the people in your life know that sometimes solitude is the closest thing to sanity. There's the CONTROL  button,  when things are getting out of hand, thats the button you press. The BACKSPACE button is most likely the closest thing i've got to the DELETE button, but its a lot less harsher. It's the button people use when they've made a mistake && they're trying to revise their lives. 
But thee DELETE button, now i've searched my keyboard of life inch by inch && its nowhere to be found. If you've got one, ill buy it off of you because I'm in dire need. Let's see if there were such button, i'd delete a lot of people. For various, strong persons reasons. I'd delete them and then go the the recycle bin and empty it.
It's quite ironic though, no matter how many times you press the BACKSPACE button, there are somethings and situations that will never be erased. Even if i emptied the recycle bin, there's always a way to relocate the lost files. I'd pretty much have to break my computer to leave it all behind.
So i guess there's no point for the DELETE button. I'm just gonna have to use the RESTART button and hope that my mindset changes about certain situations and people
IM GETTING OVER IT.

Complexity- The Roots

I used to come into the party
And stand around
'Cuz I was kinda too shy to really get down
I used to, play the corner
And watch the scene
Deep down, knowing I wanted, to find me a queen
And I can feel that in my stomach
And up in my chest
Because I knew a lot of women, and some was fresh
But then I found you, girl and just like me
You had a heart that was yearning to be set free
Now listen
See you and me need to take the time
To erase any doubt that's inside your mind
Its not a mountain that I'm ever too tired to climb
And who's counting? - But I know at least a thousand times
I let you know I'm here for you, care for you, and confide in you
Break bread, share with you and provide for you
And that's full time - it's no 9 to 5 with you
That's why I'm tryin' to work it out with you
(Let's go.)

Follow.

It's decision making time but i've decided to follow the advice i gave today:

Follow Jesus

Follow your Heart

&& if your Hearts with Him

its all the same anyhow

&&  the next post will be the best post.

At a Loss.

I feel so much, there's so much on my mind. But it's as if no amount of words or phrases could possibly come together to describe how i feel. I'm all over the place, I'm in too deep, I'm almost done, I'm L O S T.

 

TruthToThat.

"Sometimes your biggest disappointments come from your so called friends." George W. Bush.

Poetic Justice.

Tupac Lives. Some people are just talented. He was a lyricist, a poet, an activist, an actor. He was beautiful, he is beautiful. The mark of a true artist, when your work outlives you, you've done a great job.

As for Janet, she seems to be able to reinvent herself without losing the essence of who she truly is.

Music.

That one song embodies every emotion that i have ever felt or wanted to feel in my lifetime && i'll put in on repeat, go to sleep, && wake up singing it, feeling it. Sing it to me, play it for me, sympathize with me, empathize  for me, laugh with me, cry with me. This song does it all. Funny, i haven't heard it yet.

Invincible.

 Sorta, how i felt today. Things were good, things were really bad, but all in all, today was a pleasant day. Our first league win, lots of stimulating conversations, and realizing that I deserve better than what i was willing to settle for. I think about K A R M A,  and i laugh, an evil laugh to be specific. In due time, it will come to those who've chopped and screwed me. && no doubt, I'm gonna get mine too, but thats cool, i'll still laugh. HAHAAHA. Life is a roller-coaster: ups & downs, lefts & rights, jolts & JERKS. Currently, i'm loving the part im on right now. Whose to say tomo won't be shitty as f u c k, but tomo i'll still have my yesterday to fall back on. && the next post shall be the best post.

Where Am I?

Where's my head at? Just because you're scoring points doesn't mean you're having a good game. I don't know what's  wrong with me, my confusion is making me really unhappy. There i was... but where am i now?  I needed to get my shit together, like yesterday. Where's his love at, i used to feel it. Where's my conscious at i used to hear it. Where's my heart at, i used to follow it. Things have already fallen apart, so I'm guessing its time for bette things to fall into place. I thought i knew, but obviously i don't. && thee next post shall be thee best post.

peace.

Time After Time.

"Losing makes me stronger, 

winning makes me invincible." -Michael Beasley 

When i fall, I'm gonna get up. Time After Time. And for those trying to trip me, you will not prosper, && baby thats a promise.

L O V E.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.
 --St. Augustine

Burning.

"Instead of fighting to keep the fire inside of you alive, you let the embers die by becoming addicted to a life without dreams, without hope." Sometimes i question my dreams, will they come true? In a world full of broken promises, dreaming seems like setting myslef up for more discouragemnet. But by becoming my dream, i would hope that they would never leave me, because i know i'll be let down. Its apart of life i suppose. Don't stop dreaming. Dream with closed eyes and an open heart

R A I N.

Its gonna rain today.I love the rain. more than i love the sunshine. or the wind, or the stars. i love the rain. It doesn't rain too much in southern CA, and i think thats why i love it. "You'll never know the sunshine without the rain." Truth to that, but i believe that the sun needs the rain more, it doesn't want to be burnt out, literally. So i love it. This picture is beautiful, agreed?

There's A Thousand Words That i Could Say

Truly, there are just some things i don't understand. Maybe i don't understand because i choose not to, but nonetheless: i don't get it. People spend their whole lives building up their character only to succumb to the "sweet nothings" that are just that: N O T H I N G. Oo, don't get it, I'm talking about relationships, the things people do for LOVE, what is that anyway? Maybe you can chalk my curiosity up to thee fact that I've never had that type of relationship, but i don't have to experience it to speak about it, right? Back to my point, my perplexity stems from the fact that people will go through leaps and bounds to be with someone who most likely doesn't even deserve them. Hmmph, maybe one day i'll understand. I just pray that when i do decide to rendezvous, that i'm smart with my shit. Asking for too much? Are relationships really that complex that they have to bring so much D R A M A;;D E C E I T F U L N E S S;; and A N G E R?"Brandi, they bring all that and more." [I'm quoting myself] But i guess no one wants to be alone. I shall refer back to this post when i love finds me. && the next post will be the best post.

peace.

I've Arrived.

"Brandi you should get a blogspot", "no seriously you'd love it" SIKE no one said that to me but when you ain't got shit to do you gotta find some shit to doso i guess im gonna use this tool to TRY and type everything i cant.refuse.hate to say && even if no one reads this ish it wont matter 'cuz uhh i just gotta get some things off 'ma C  H E S T.  the next post will be thee best post.

peace.